Finding Deeper Water
Months ago, I had a dream. I was in a huge white ship, and I was proud of myself. I worked so hard to get a ship that big, and I wanted everybody else to be proud of me. From my ship, I heard my co-workers yelling. They were standing from the bank calling me foolish. I was taking up too much space, and my ship was about to crash.
Looking down at the water, I saw how shallow it was, how huge the rocks were, and how my ship was getting dented. All of the pride I felt turned to shame. Who was I to think I could wield this big beautiful ship and not get in others’ way? Did I think I was bigger than the program?
When I woke up and reflected on the dream, I realized the problem was never the size of the boat. It was the shallowness of the water. It couldn’t hold me in my grandeur.
At the time I had that dream, I lived with someone who—no matter what I did—she always had a problem with it. She was actually one of the co-workers on the bank of the river yelling at me. After a while, I realized that her frustration with me was due to her own insecurities, but it still hurts to try to show up as your full self and be met with someone’s rejection.
And that has been a recurring theme for me. Whether I was four going to daycare for the first time and being met with the older kids’ ridicule or thirty being rejected by a man for being “too weird,” every time I pop out on the scene, I’m met with disapproval and disdain. It’s easy to internalize that rejection or try and fight it—to believe that if I offer my best, I can persuade someone to change their mind about me. But, my best won’t matter to the people that don’t want it.
Instead my best drew people who, like that shallow river, were hostile and dented the parts of me I used to be proud of. Who told me that the way I was was too much, and I needed to shrink myself to be more acceptable for them so they can feel better about themselves. I used to think that they were right. If only I got a smaller boat, if only I lived a smaller life, I’d be happy, but I never was.
The only solution was to find deeper water.
Looking back, I realize that there was never anything wrong with me being ambitious or embracing my individuality. I was just in environments that couldn’t support that. Last month, I crossed the country in search of deeper waters. Here’s to hoping I found it.
Until next time,
Leah
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